Top Ten All-Time Best Bobby Bowden One-Liners

By Charlie Barnes, Executive Director - Seminole Boosters

Once upon a time, during the 34-year run of the annual Seminole Boosters Bobby Bowden Tour, Gene Deckerhoff and I traveled together with Coach Bowden, driving from town to town, putting on the Seminole dog and pony show every night for two months.

Deckerhoff is an extraordinary talent and a splendid good fellow. He has earned his celebrity and can hold a crowd all by himself. But he and I both stood in constant awe of Bobby Bowden's ability to mesmerize an audience. We marveled at his sense of timing and his quick riposte.

We just shook our heads. We practiced our material so we could deliver like pros. But Bowden's effortless delivery and timing was the stuff of genius. He was born with a silver tongue, a twinkling eye and a nimble instinct for the target.

Bowden could disarm in an instant. One evening during the Tour in the spring of 1999, Mike Bristol and I went to his motel room to fetch him for the banquet. We knew he hadn't had much time to shower and get ready.

When the door cracked we saw that he wasn't ready at all. In fact he was naked, except for a strategically positioned hand-towel. No one spoke for a moment; we all just looked at each other. The Bowden said, "You guys said tonight was informal, right?"

This list of Top 10 All-Time Best Bobby Bowden One Liners is just for fun. This ten could easily be replaced with an alternate ten that are just as clever. So here are some of me favorites.

#10 "Don't Eat Them Eggs!" You have to know the joke. He wanted to order breakfast and the waitress was surly. so he ordered bacon and eggs..."and a kind word." She came back and tossed the plate down on the table with a snarl. As she walked away, he said, "Hey! What about the kind word?" she turned around and said..."Don't eat them eggs."

#9 In 1983 he was praising quarterback Kelly Lowrey, but said that Kelly could be difficult to work with because he was a real independent spirit. The sportswriter asked him what he meant by that and Bowden said, "Well, I'm not used to sending in the play and then having my quarterback wave me off."

#8 When we joined the ACC, the annual Bobby Bowden Spring Tour made a pass through the Carolinas to greet FSU alumni in the area. At one extremely snooty golf course, Coach Bowden came dressed to play in a pair of shorts. The club would not allow it and the embarrassed Seminole alumni bought him a pair of long pants in the pro shop. Always gracious, Coach Bowden whispered to them, "It's all right. Don't worry about it one bit." Then he pulled out a pouch of chewing tobacco. "In fact, I'm fixing to introduce this place to Red Man."

#7 "Me and Steve Spurrier were playing in the NIKE golf tournament and they put Steve in the foursome in front of me because they figured no matter how hard I tried I couldn't drive the ball long enough to hit him. Turns out they were right."

#6 "Me and Big Ann were driving, and she saw a couple of lovebirds driving in the car in front of us and the girl was all snuggled up next to him and Ann said, 'How come we never do that anymore?' I said, 'I ain't the one that's moved.'"

#5 Punter Keith Cottrell came in as a freshman in January and worked out with the team in the spring. Bowden noticed that Cottrell started out well, but the more he practiced the worse he got. Bowden asked him about it and Keith said, "Coach, I know you're up there watching me every time I punt and it just makes me nervous. I'd probably be OK if you weren't watching me all the time." Bowden put his arm around him and said, "Son, I think I ought to tell you i plan on being at nearly every game this fall."

#4 Sportswriters asked Bowden why he didn't suspend kicker Sebastian Janikowski from the Sugar Bowl Championship when it was discovered that Janikowski had stayed out all night in New Orleans before the game. "Well," Bowden explained, "he's from Poland and he falls under the 'International Rules'."

#3 "Charlie Ward is so quick he could pick the hubcaps off a passing car."

#2 On the occasion of their 50th wedding anniversary: "Me and Ann had a formal wedding. Her father carried a white shotgun."

#1 Before the 1997 game against Florida there was an altercation at mid-field and the Orlando Sentinel reported that Gator quarterback Noah Brindise threw a football at FSU football players then later told a gathering of Gator Boosters that Steve Spurrier had ordered him to do it. The Tampa Tribune referenced the same story.
     Supposedly, the football was thrown at Coach Bowden's head but it missed and hit someone else instead. Sportswriters eager to pursue the controversy wanted to know if Bowden would order his quarterback to throw a ball at Spurrier.
     "Naw," Bowden laughed. "But...my quarterback would have hit him."

Here's a bonus and it's my favorite.
Not because it's especially clever but because its personal.
     It was in the spring and Coach and I were boarding a commercial flight from Atlanta to New York - a two hour stretch that should have included lunch but did not. I had my first unfortunate introduction to what was described to us by a perky stewardess as "deli-snacks."
     Herding down the long flexible tube into the aircraft like the cattle we are so obviously seen to be, we were instructed to pass by a small dumpster, reach inside and pick up a paper sack containing our "lunch." It featured a small bottle of warm water, a tiny foil cup of some congealed ooze, a small sack of some sort of exotic coconut shell husk chips, and a clear bag of "carrot product," which I assume was powdered carrot parts, pressed and molded into tiny carrot replicates. All this accompanied by some tired thing that may have been an apple.
     Coach Bowden, in line in front of me, picked up his bag and started searching inside for a sandwich. I picked up mine and shuffled along, when suddenly a loud voice from behind us in the terminal shouted out, "COACH BOWDEN! COACH BOWDEN!" One of the flight attendants ran down the gangway to grab his arm. "Oh, you don't have to take one of those," she cooed. "You're first class - you get full meal service!"
     He put his bag back into the dumpster, and then looked at me holding mine.
      "Well," I said. "It must be nice to be someone important."
     He grinned and leaned forward and whispered, "Bow down."